Hello Everyone!
Just a quick note: I'm still iffy about the title - I'm debating between Éros, which means "sensual love", because that certainly is part of this poem, and Agápe, which can mean "true love". I like the idea of the latter better, but if anyone has any comments or suggestions regarding the title or anything else, do please comment!
Many thanks!
Sam
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I’m careless now: I tilt to kiss your lips,
Though mine are pale and dry like the desert and
My tongue the last wet trickle of a stream.
I feel you harden against me –
Aroused, I open up for you like springtime;
Like summer, I offer my fruits.
Soft milk-and-honey skin, supple curves and planes:
We move together –
As though I were not such a mystery after all.
Embraced like a wind off the ocean, I know
I am loved as the tender breath before a storm,
The heat of the first May sun.
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Hey there S.S!
In regards to the title, I'm actually more fond of the current one. For some reason it sounds less familiar and far more intruiging than the latter. Perhaps you could put a vote up at the top of the page and then see what everyone thinks clearly? It may help you to come to a desicion.
As for the poem, I think short but sweet would be the correct term here. It certainly wasn't the longest poem i've ever read but you certainly did it justice with your descriptions. Good job and keep writing!
Goosh, This is so great! If anyone understands the meaning of "show don't tell" it's you! This was full of such amazing imagery that I was left breathless! The previous reviewer talks about the narrator being selfabsorbed or something like that, but I kind of find that being what made this piece so special! I wish it didn't end so quickly though... I wanted to read more, find out more! Anyhows, I don't feel like picking up my looking-glasses and search this post after faults and mistakes.. I'd rather think of it the way I do now... PERFECT!
Good Luck & Keep Writing
// Demoness
Your dilemma reminds me of a legend about one of my favourite composers, he wrote a piece called La Lascivae, and then realised maybe referring to lasciviousness was iffy considering he was sleeping with most of his students, so he renamed it La Desirade.
There is a conflict in tone because of the focus. If you open with 'I am careless now', you are implying this relaxed, sensual, dreamy kind of atmosphere, and then the narrator spends most of the poem describing herself, which would make sense if she were more self-conscious. The only real presence of the man in this is the hardening, and even then it's in relation to the narrator, it's more about her effect on him rather than about him. The seasonal metaphors are fine and sustained, 'tender breath' is a nice touch.
"Soft milk-and-honey skin, supple curves and planes:
We move together –
As though I were not such a mystery after all."
The first line, it's all traditional feminine imagery. You don't see him, or feel him, or smell him. Then as you introduce the 'we', it's still only with reference to the narrator. There are eight 'I's in this poem, and one 'you'. It is odd as a love poem, or even one about sexual attraction, because of this imbalance. Go out kissing today as research, it's for art! And read some Sappho.
This seems to express excitement and enlightenment of a first love. The confusion that goes along with it, as well as the curiosity.
Beautiful piece altogether- wonderful imagery, and I love the continuance of the seasonal theme throughout the piece.
As for the title, I would definitely choose Eros. Agape is often associated with Christianity (at least by Christians), and is generally used to describe love for one another when all is given and nothing is expected in return. It can be between everyone, and is generally not used with an Eros type of love. Just my two cents though.
Wonderful piece.
-Coral-
This poem is very, very promising.
You were talking about love and sex in terms of seasons and landscapes, so there were some parts when it felt like you were trying to evade something like in stanza 2. "I feel you harden against me" wasn't expressed in the same context as the next two lines.
I feel the poem could use a bit more unity. What happened to the riverbeds and streams in the first stanza? The metaphor gets mixed up at some parts. If we were to visualize everything, there are bits that would look very confused.
But I do love how you likened love and sex to the exploration of landscapes in different seasons. If you could do something about the logic, organization, and consistency of the imagery, you would have one gem of a poem. Keep writing!
This is good. The imagery is quite beautiful, actually: kind of soft and gentle, yet powerful. I was a little startled by the first line of the second stanza (haha), but you carried it well, even with its somewhat sexy overtones. Good job.
Hi S.S. Rose.
Wow! This is an amazing poem! I really like the title too, don't worry too much about it. I haven't really got any criticisms, so here's the positive stuff. I was simple to understand, yet you described and set the scene so beautifully and to the point of perfection. I didn't think it was that cliche` at all, it was new, yet very mature. It had a great flow and I just got it - got what you were telling us.
Amazing stuff! Best wishes for future writing!
RedLeaf
Well, I don't know much about poetry, so I can't give any good advice as to the poem itself. However, I really liked this poem. It's very mature, and it's not cheesy or childish. Your writing captures the emotion very effectively, and I thoroughly enjoyed your style. As for the title, I like "Agápe", and here's why:
"Éros" means sensual love- while the poem is about sensual love, this title may lead some readers to believe that what is written wasn't true; that the couple was just "fooling around".
"Agápe", on the other hand, means true love. The last few lines of the poem,
leads me to believe that this isn't a simple act; it carries significant weight. This to me it true love, not just "sensual" love.
Overall, very moving, very emotional, and very engaging. Very well done
~kschencker